Is that grass really greener?

By: sonofabeach96

Jul 19 2015

Category: Uncategorized

11 Comments

This is a question based on curiosity, not judgement.  I’m no saint, believe me.  I DO NOT judge others, ever.  I’m empathetic to a fault so I can usually, in my minds eye, see things from others perspectives.  I am capable of saying, “Ya know, I can see how that would be the case…”, or, “If I were them I can understand how they would make that decision to…”.  When I’m talking with someone about another persons decision to do this or say that, and the person I’m discussing it with says something like, ” I can’t believe they did that!”, or, “I just don’t know what they were thinking!”, I can play devils advocate and see things from the supposed guilty party’s point of view.  Even if I agree that what has transpired is a bad choice or that they shouldn’t have done this or done that.  I’ve made enough bad choices in my life to know that we are ALL capable of mistakes, bad decisions, and hurting others.

That being said, I don’t understand, entirely, how people fall into the trap of having an affair.  I don’t understand, when someone is unhappy enough with their marriage that an affair is on deck and being considered a real possibility, why they don’t make their unhappiness known and attempt to fix what went so wrong.  And, if the other spouse isn’t willing to compromise and work to fix the marriage, why not end the marriage.  I do realize there are always extenuating circumstances: kids, finances, family pressure, etc.  But, when having an affair that will likely be exposed, won’t all of those things be negatively effected anyway?

I am new to this blogging thing.  I started doing it to journal, exorcise some of my inner demons through physically removing tormenting thoughts from my mind and placing them in hard copy.  I’d rather type than write, and my handwriting was once referred to as chicken scratch by a former teacher, so, this media made sense.  In the time I’ve been doing this, I’ve read several other blog entries about affairs and the aftermath, and sometimes recovery.  It’s heart wrenching stuff.  Some were in dire marriages, abusive and/or neglectful, sexless, or their spouses changed over the years into someone divergently different from the person they once knew.  I can use my sometimes annoying level of empathy to understand how an affair could occur in those instances.  But, once you realize you’re in an untenable situation, why not get out, admit its over, and try to move on?  Wouldn’t the short-term pain of ending the relationship trump the seemingly bottomless pit of agony in trying to maintain two separate existences?

the situations that really baffle me are the long-term affairs that go on for years.  How do they even begin?  A lock-of-the-eyes glance across the room?  A mutual friend making an off handed sexual remark that sets the wheels in motion?  A co-worker that sits a little too close during a meeting?  Accidentally bump into someone leaving the corner coffee shop and just know they are your soulmate?  Do you see where I’m going here?  How on earth does it begin?  And how does one muster the energy to plan, manipulate, and deceive their spouse all the while carrying on a normal, day-to-day routine at home?  I’ve seen these scenarios referred to as “cake eating”.  Again, isn’t it easier to just get out of the marriage and live how and with whomever you want instead of causing so much damage in the process?

Please believe me when I say that this post is not to judge anyone, cast stones on anyone, or to be self righteous.  I’m simply attempting to understand.  My parents divorced when I was 8 years old.  I know they were unhappy, I was privy to many a throw down between them.  It’s no surprise they divorced.  It made sense to me, even at that young age.  I would later find out that it was primarily due to my dad having an affair.  He wasn’t who initiated the divorce.  I assume, since he and I have never really talked about it, that he would have been content to stay married and see her on the side.  Thinking about it now, as a married adult myself, it doesn’t make sense that he would’ve stayed where he was miserable only to take these little mini-vacations with his AP in order to avoid his reality.  Why wouldn’t he make what makes him happy his reality?  And, if for some reason he couldn’t have been with her full-time because she were married too (which she wasn’t), why wouldn’t he escape his misery just for the sake of getting out of the misery, irregardless of there being someone else to fall back on or not?

If anyone out there in this infinite universe of the blogosphere could assist me in gaining some insight into this I’d appreciate it.  No judgement from me on any answers.  No preconceived notions of people based on actions or words. Just trying to understand the mindset, the reasoning, the precursors, the fears, all of the aspects of why one would stay in what they consider a bad situation and then seemingly, based on the stories I’ve read,  compound the agony by starting an affair.  I suppose there are some happy endings out there.  I’d welcome those narratives as well.  I promise, just learning here, not condemning.  Like I said, I’m no saint, trust me.  I have no right to, nor any interest in, standing at the alter and yelling, “Repent sinner”.  I have committed my fair share of sins myself.  Just curious.   Share, freely, if ya wanna.  Thanks in advance.

11 comments on “Is that grass really greener?”

  1. Well…My first marriage ended in an affair, I would say. The whole last year of my first marriage I was sexting other men. One was a married man, a coworker, with two young children. The other was a man going through a divorce, and had children also. (My emotional affair with them wasn’t at the same time for them both-they each had their own moments.) I even met for drinks with both of them at one point. It was never physical, though the attempt at getting it there was made. My husband and I began growing apart at this time and I became more distant and secretive, yet he never attempted to go through my phone or even question me. I didn’t like being touched by my husband at this point. I made excuses to get out of having sex with him.
    With the last man, I did let it get physical. He was single, divorced, and his children were only with him every other weekend. Maybe that made it easier, that I wouldn’t be confronted by anyone. My husband worked 2nd shift. I waited until he came home one night, and then I told him that I needed a break. I lied and told him I was staying with my sister for the night. He tried to talk me out of it, but I still said no. I stayed the night with that man. After that night, I knew it was over. I quickly got an apartment of my own and two weeks later I had moved out. My husband and I weren’t physical during those two weeks, and I felt so guilty that I slept on the couch. I have no idea what he was thinking at the time, but he let me go, not knowing that I was having an affair. How people go about having sex with other people and staying married is beyond me. I don’t understand it and it sounds a bit narcissistic or sociopathic to me.

    Oh… Also… The grass is still shitty on the other side, just so you know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the response. I kinda figured it was shitty. Like I said, I can see how affairs happen. People lose hope, give up, then give in, I suppose to just feel something, anything, again. I just can’t fathom how the long-term things happen. It seems to me it’d be exhausting trying to live two lives. I guess I could see it if both people were living basically separate lives in the same house and don’t want to break up a family, especially if there are small kids involved. Just seems like an untenable situation that would lead to even worse heartbreak for all involved. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes though. I’m sorry for your eventual breakup…unless it was actually a good thing.

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  2. Booze and lonleyness, to over simplify. I talked to my wife a few times about her lack of affection and how she might lose me. It took a desperate action to set the course to rebuilding our relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Unfortunately, that’s often the case, it seems. People are reactionary rather than taking action before the shit hits the fan. If we’d pay attention and heed warning signs, it seems Wed all avoid a lot of heartache. Hope you guys are on the road to recovery. Good karma sent your way.

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      • Things are great here. Life has actually, never been better. It’s unfortunate that it took an event like this to improve our life but it did. So you take the bad with the good in this case.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m really happy to hear this. I know for my wife and I, its never been better either. When we went through our rough times a few years ago, it forced us both to reassess ourselves. We had a great relationship before then and always loved each other. But now? Unbelievable. I never knew love like this was possible. Makes me wonder why it took dire consequences to initiate it. Could have had this level of “us” years ago. Better late than never I guess. Nice to hear success stories for a change!

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  3. […] made way back in July.  It was made in relation to my dad, and his nonsense.  It’s titled Is That Grass Really Greener?, if anyone is interested.  Maybe somebody who’s been here can shed some fucking light. […]

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  4. Are you Piscean? You describe yourself empathetic to a fault! Just curious.

    Liked by 1 person


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