Trying to get a grip

By: sonofabeach96

Jul 20 2015

Category: Uncategorized


My song of the day today is “Things Happen” by Dawe’s.  Its something I can relate to, and need to be told, after the week I’ve had.

I’ve been having a bit of a pity party in my brain for the past few days.  I have dwelled instead of acting.  I have felt restless instead of content.  I’ve been a bit of a grizzly bear instead of a teddy bear.  I’ve tended to count my slights instead of my blessings.  I’ve been IN a funk instead of bringing the funk.  I’ve fought against the current rather than riding the wave in to shore.

Now, it’s not new for me to feel this way.  It happens, ya know?  Stress, craziness at work or home, some event happens that’ll make me reassess or bemoan my existence.  I suppose that’s normal wear and tear of life.  Nobody is Richard-Simmons-like, high-on-lifeish all the time, right?  But, usually I can put my finger on what’s bothering me, and then take the necessary steps to either fix and/or change it or accept it and let it go.  The problem is, I don’t know exactly what’s put the burr up my ass.  I’ve racked my brain to the point of distraction….I got nothing.  I’m still sad for my boss and it always sucks getting used to normal after coming home from vacation.  But really, everything seems to be good.

Is this weird?  To be, for lack of a better term, depressed, but without a reason to be so.  Actually, depressed is a little too strong a description.  I’m not really depressed,  I have had depression issues in the past and I don’t make light of true depression.  What I’m feeling right now isn’t nearly to the depths of what real depression feels like.  It’s more just being off, not feeling like myself, blue, down.  I don’t really know how else to describe it.  It’s beginning to get on my nerves though.  And the frustrating part is that there’s no legit reason for me to feel this way.

Maybe I just need to, as a former coach of mine used to say, “Suck it up buttercup!”.  If we got hurt, he’d tell us to shake it off or rub some dirt on it (never really understood what the fuck good that would do for a sprained knee, but whatever).  Then he’d send us right back into the game or to the drudgery of running laps.  The problem is, I’m not 16 years old anymore, physically or mentally.  Being older, I have more wisdom and tools to deal with being down but the depth of my thinking and my psyche are more involved too.  Overthinking is not a blessing.  And as a man, I’m not supposed to be a wussy.  Its difficult to meet the expectations of being a man, being strong and confident, having all the answers and fixes, taking charge of situations and leading, yet at the same time be vulnerable and unsure, show weakness and fear, be sensitive and caring.  It’s a confusing dance, and I’m not sure some days if I can take the lead, even though, as the man, I’m supposed to.  I struggle with that dichotomy at times.

so, like my song of the day says, things happen.  In other words, suck it up buttercup.  That’s what I’ll try to do, I guess, because I don’t know how to fix what’s not broken.

5 comments on “Trying to get a grip”

  1. Bring the FUNK!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe you have not found what’s broken yet?

    Liked by 1 person

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