The man I’m supposed to be

By: sonofabeach96

Jul 23 2015

Category: Uncategorized

7 Comments

My song of the day is, “Man I’m Supposed To Be”, by American Aquarium.

i struggled for years to answer this question.  I felt the visceral and societal pressure to be a certain thing while my inner self reacted in a conflicting manner.  I was told by history, testosterone, and my primary male influences to be strong, hard, confident, and decisive.  An alpha is what a man should be.  Take charge and take no prisoners.  Never show weakness, be the best. Always win, or die trying.  Crying?  Unacceptable!  Sensitive?  Don’t be a pussy!

The reality is I am not always confident.  I am not always strong.  I do sometimes cry.  I am sensitive to others pain, and I feel pain when my senses are assaulted.  I’m not always decisive.  I don’t always win.  I’m not always a leader.  I’m not always hard.  I’m not always an alpha.

Its an odd confluence of personality, trying to reconcile polar opposite traits.  Like placing two magnets against one another, trying to make them connect yet having them push away from themselves.  Can a man be both strong yet weak?  Decisive yet indecisive?  Confident yet unsure?  Taking charge while still seeking input?  Being a winner yet sometimes losing?  Being hard to life’s slaps in the face yet sensitive to the bruising?

The answer is, “Yes”!  It’s taken me years to come to grips with who I am.  To realize I don’t have to be what the world thinks I should be based solely on the fact that I have a penis.  I have the alpha traits in me.  I can and do take charge, lead, show confidence, tell everyone in my way to kiss my ass.  I can be hard, be strong, be a teacher.  I can kick ass and take names.  Conversely, though, I can cry, be unsure, seek advice.  I can be weak, vulnerable, and fearful.  I can not win, be sensitive to others needs, be a follower.  And it’s ok, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I can say, “Fuck you, if you don’t like it, too damn bad!”, while at the same time having my feelings hurt.  It’s ok.  I can kick somebody’s ass, drive them into the ground, yet later feel guilty for hurting them.  I can demand that my needs be addressed while addressing someone else’s needs.  It’s ok.

I am a man, a man with many angles and sides, divergent in my soul, capable of any and all emotions and reactions.  And it’s ok.  I’m ok with who I am, all of who I am.

My wife seems to think I’m just right.  She says I may not be perfect, but I’m perfect for her.  And since her opinion is the only opinion I really give a shit about, as long as she calls me her man, that’s the only man I ever want to be.  The rest of the world and their preconceived notions of what and who and how I’m supposed to be can piss off.  Is that “alpha” enough for ya!?!

7 comments on “The man I’m supposed to be”

  1. You are so very lucky! Ur on the clock. Lol

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m trying. Feeling less like work and more like my “normal”. If a man loves his “work” he never “works” a day in his life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And yes, I am very lucky!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yeah! Everyone can suck it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • At times, yes. Not everyone and not the way I feel 99% of the time. But when I do feel that way, I don’t mind saying so anymore. I’m usually a pretty nice, calm, easy going guy. But I have my buttons, and if pushed, sometimes I let it be known.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad to hear it. It’s important to be able to set boundaries after having no concept of that (due to being conditioned by people who take advantage of your capacity to be caring, nurturing and giving).

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I actually feel like I can a little too quick with an F U now. But the older I get, the less tolerance for bullshit I have.

    Like


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