Poor little maroon…so naive

By: sonofabeach96

Jul 29 2015

Category: Uncategorized

6 Comments

I remember a cartoon from when I was a kid.  I’m dating myself here, but it was a Tweety Bird and Sylvester one.  Sylvester the cat kept trying and trying to catch Tweety.  Every time Sylvester would get near the birdcage, Granny would come in a whack him with a broom.  But he kept trying and trying, with no success and a whack to the head was the end result.  Every single time, over and over.  At some point, Tweety simply shakes his head and says, “Poor little maroon…so naive”, about the stubborn and futile efforts of the hapless feline.

I am that poor little maroon.  I am naive.  I posted recently about me being an unfinished project.  Boy, am I ever.  I’ve mentioned many a time how much I love my wife and how much stronger out relationship is in the last few years.  And it is.  But that’s an unfinished project as well.  Starting this blog has opened my mind and my eyes to the fact that I’m nowhere near the level of healing and forgiveness I thought I was.  Or had convinced myself I was.

All of this realization started on Fathers Day.  In fact, my very first post was nearly immediately after that day (read back if ya wanna).  It’s the moment that instigated all of this new realization that I’m still very broken, very resentful, very hurt, and very, very angry.

Tonight reaffirmed this.  We got into an argument that started over something vanilla.  It quickly escalated.  I finally admitted to her some of the resentment I had towards her that had festered for years.  I laid it all out tonight.  I’m sure to her it seemed to come outta nowhere.  I had repressed my feelings about her being hypercritical, taking me for granted, and ungrateful towards me for years.  Both barrels.  Guns a blazing.  But I made my point and she saw my point.  But it’s obviously something I hadn’t dealt with yet.  And I feel like shit for doing it, at least in the manner I did it.  And I feel like shit more for making her feel like shit, for stuff that is from the past.  Now I’m regretting saying anything at all, like I should’ve still just kept my mouth shut.

I’m angry right now.  I’m angry for allowing myself to be a doormat.  I’m angry for being abandoned by one parent and used by the other.  I’m angry for years of being taken for granted.  I’m angry for being the ONLY one to have apologized.  I’m angry for being criticized.  I’m angry for being told its my fault.  I’m angry for being not good enough.  God dammit!!! I’m fucking angry, PERIOD!

So I obviously have a lot of work to do still.  Whole fucking lot more than I was willing to admit.  I’m tired of being broken.  I’m tired of trying to appease everybody. I’m tired of being taken for granted.  My tank is full and one spark may set off an explosion.

So here I am, hyped up on post-fight adrenaline, 1:30 in the morning, having a talk with my dead mother-in-law and a god i dont have faith in presently, sharing this with an infinite number or stragers, feeling like a poor little maroon.  So fucking naive!  WTF is wrong with me?!?

6 comments on “Poor little maroon…so naive”

  1. Hopefully by blogging your feelings out you’ll be able to come to terms with the past. Everyone has emotions; it may feel uncomfortable, but slowly you’ll come to understand.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m working on it. I call it being on the clock. It’s just frustrating when something I thought I’d processed comes back up again. One step forward, 2 steps back kinda thing. All we can do I put in the effort I guess.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Personally, I’ve been repeating and going back to the same topic over and over again with different realizations as I go along on my journey. That’s pretty much how much my blog has been based on. At times it seems tedious and frustrating, but I know its the only way for me to heal. But it does get better I can tell you. x

        Liked by 2 people

      • Man, that’s the thing, I really thought I’d kinda laid this stuff to rest a couple of years ago. Then Father’s Day came and went, and BAM!, it’s here again. Ya know, picture Jack Nicholson in The Shining, hacking through my bathroom door with an ax. Really is a dang marathon, isn’t it?

        Liked by 2 people

      • I don’t know what it is. I’ve only started on this journey a few months ago. I didn’t understand the extend of the damage I had caused myself. But I can tell you I’ve changed into an entirely different person that some days I hardly recognize myself. You’ll get there 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • Yeah, over the last 3-4 years I’ve made wholesale changes, for the better. But that focus was on my marriage. This new stuff is hitting me hard, but ill just keep plugging away at it. I’m very lucky to have my wife, I know that for sure. Her infinite patience with, and love for, me is inspiring. Without her I’d be curled up in a ball in a padded room somewhere. I wish that kind of love and understanding for everyone. The world would be a much nicer place!

        Liked by 2 people


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