Cloudy Sunshine

By: sonofabeach96

Aug 14 2015

Category: Uncategorized


I’m away for the weekend, a long weekend at that, and it’s doing me some good.  I needed a bit of a break.  Even my wife encouraged me to go when I had second thoughts about coming.  Should we spend the money?  Should I take a couple of my vacation days, which are like pure gold to me, to take a trip while excluding her and the boys?  I began to feel guilty, felt like I was being selfish for doing this trip.

And it’s not like my wife never gets out of the house or takes long weekends to visit her best friend in Seattle.  She does, and I encourage her to do so.  I’m happy to take on reality while she escapes it for a time.  I feel like it keeps her centered and refreshed.  It does the same for me, going alone or with friends, sans family.  But for some reason, I feel like I shouldn’t leave them.  Geez, it’s not like I’m abandoning them. I’m only gone 4 days.  And im not “dependent” on them or anything like that.  I’m a loner by nature so being on my own, for however long, isn’t the issue.  But any amount of time spent away from them, for several days or a week, feels off, ya know, like something’s not quite right.

All of us love traveling, and it doesn’t have to be halfway across the globe.  It can be a day or two in some nearby city or a long weekend to the coast.  Doesnt matter, so long as we are going.  The boys have certainly inherited our wanderlust.  They can sense when a trip is eminent, even when we try to surprise them.  Traveling is a central piece of our little family puzzle.  And when I do it by myself, it feels oh so strange.  I always felt that way when it was just my wife and I and we’d be separated for a time.  But since the boys entered the picture, that feeling has been exacerbated exponentially.  Especially when the trip involves sand, sun, and saltwater.  The coast, any coast, is our most special place.  Here comes the guilt again.

I try to listen to her when she tells me,”It’s okay.  Go, we’ll be fine!  You’ll be missed, but you need this.”.  She tells me all the time that I put everyone else’s needs before mine.  “To a fault”, she says.  I guess she’s right.  I just feel this incredible sense of, I don’t know really, maybe duty?  I just don’t think about what I need or want much, and when I do it’s fleeting. I’ll say,”Nah, I don’t really need that”, or, “That money could go towards something for them”. And when I can be convinced to something for me, I feel guilty, I miss my family, or both.  How do I get over that?  I work hard, I’m incredibly devoted to my family, I attend to their every need, or try to at least.  I’ve earned a break, right?

Thats a question I wrestle with.  But here I am.  Away, doing something for just me.  I’m enjoying it, for sure.  Still 3 more days of fun, with no responsibilities.  It’s awesome, on paper.  And if she hadn’t given me the push and insist I do this, I probably would’ve canceled.  But,  I’m having fun, left the rigors of home to her and the boys, and I won’t regret it.  I just had to convince myself that it’s ok to do this every now and then.  But the way I miss them, it won’t become a habit.  It’s sunny today but I feel a little cloudy.

Song of the day:

“Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers

18 comments on “Cloudy Sunshine”

  1. Here’s hoping that you can enjoy your vacation without the guilt coming in ☺ Good luck!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Time on your own is a s valuable as time together with family. If you let go of the guilt, you will have new energy when you get home. But guilt is a tricky thing. Learn to let go of it a little bit at the time.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. that just means your a good man, society molds us from birth…and that is part of the problem with this world…glad to see you and your wife working at breaking the mold…I know my husband and I take separate vacation, we don’t have the kids to deal with but jus the thought of going alone…it only last a moment and then her or I are out the door…LOL you wouldn’t be a good husband or father without having the thoughts you were having….really glad your having a good time…enjoy….

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think it’s good traveling without your partner feels a bit off, but it’s also good to recharge by yourself. I miss my husband like crazy when he travels, but st the same time, I look forward to that time alone. I can sleep all day. Or read all night. Or not clean the house for four days straight and then race through everything on day five, hahaha. Enjoy the time and what a fitting song choice!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Have a fun vacation! Enjoy yourself and there’s nothing to feel guilty about re-energizing yourself 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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