My Nurture Trumps My Nature

By: sonofabeach96

Dec 16 2015

Category: Uncategorized


I was reading a post yesterday, written by my friend Kim at You are not alone, that discussed living alone by choice, and whether “Singletons” are reclusive and antisocial or are they simply content in their choice to fly solo and at peace.  And how do those that choose a life of solitude feed the urge to tell their stories, and solidify their legacies with no direct heirs to teach and absorb their skills as writers, photographers, artists, or no partner to admire and encourage those skills.

My response was that I can see choosing a solitary lifestyle.  I can, as a natural loner, appreciate and understand why someone would choose to be alone.  That I crave my alone time like I crave air, and take special care to carve out that time where I’m able, even though I love my wife and kids dearly.  That I firmly believe one is capable of a fulfilling life without having kids, spouse, or partner.  That if I hadn’t ever met my wife or had kids, I’d still be doing the things I love to do.  It’s a true answer.  I do believe I’d have had a fine existence and been perfectly happy being alone.

But after pondering this line of thinking a bit, I felt I should have elaborated a bit.

I’ve kinda been on this nature-vs-nurture kick lately.  It’s an interesting subject and one that applies to various situations, not just personality-shaping as a child, and I think it is pertinent to this conversation.  How we handle situations throughout our lives and how we choose to live our lives are all affected by nature or nurture.  By nurture I mean the norms that become the basis’ for our lives.  The paths that we take, conscious and/or subconscious, that determine what, how, where, and with or without whom we live.  For example, if I hadn’t gone out with my friends the night I shared my barstool with the girl who’d become my wife, would I have lived a solitary lifestyle?  I think so, as that was a perfectly comfortable way to be for me.  It was purely by chance that I did go out that night, I did meet her, and I did fall madly for her.  I still fought it and attempted to return to my solo roots…once.  Actually broke up with her when we were dating.  For roughly 13 hours.  Pathetic, right?  Called her back the next day (shaking head in embarrassment).  Been together ever since.

Recently, we’ve had a bit of stress related to a potentially life-threatening situation with my wife’s health.  It’s been sort of a hurry-up-and-wait kinda limbo for a couple weeks as we’ve (she’s) gone through scans and ultrasounds and awaited results.  The scenario could have been dire with a bad diagnosis.  Thoughts of severe treatments, battles, suffering, loss of my other half…being a widower, and single dad to 3 young boys, lurked in the shadows of my psyche.  Everything  is ok, as we found out yesterday, but it’s in those moments that I’m confronted with the power of my nurture.

Now I can’t fathom not having my wife grow old with me, can’t imagine a world without her, or one in which I’d want to exist without her in it.  Even though, as a young buck of 23, I would’ve been fine to be single forever.  If the me of now had traveled back in time and told the me of then that I’d be here, married nearly 20 years, 3 kids, living on a farm, and as tied down as one can be tied down (picture Gulliver), I’d have told myself, “You’re an idiot!  Get real dude!”.  No way would the me of then ever had wanted or needed that much responsibility, that much “baggage”, that much interpersonal relating!  It wasn’t me, by nature.  But nurture won out.

I guess my point is, the nurture of loving my wife and the life we’ve created have overridden the nature of my core.  My nature of wanting to be free, to be a wanderer, to be alone, tried to fight its way back to prominence, throughout our relationship.  But the nurture has been strong, like the Force.  I can’t fight the nurture, and have stopped trying to.  My nature is still the same, I still NEED my solitude.  For my sanity.  But I love my family more.  And maybe my nature has even been changed.  My mind has been totally altered, and quite by chance, through the simple act of sharing a barstool.  My nurture has trumped my nature.

Thanks Kim, for the inspiration from your post.  If you have’nt checked her site out, I recommend it.  My songs of the day are:

“Shape Of My Heart” by Sting

“Come People” by Xavier Rudd and The United Nations

“Isn’t One Way” by Patty Griffin

“An Island” by CLARA-NOVA

“But Enough On That For Now” by Vandaveer

41 comments on “My Nurture Trumps My Nature”

  1. What interests me most about the nature vs nurture debate is that it even is a debate at all. As far as I can tell, we’re all a muddled up combination of biology, psychology, parental, cultural and social influences (to name just a few! LOL) So maybe your nature is to be a bit of a loner but when you met your wife, biology kicked in as you realized you were attracted to her and fell in love with her. She has helped you grow into a person that loves and appreciates the company of her and your children. 🙂 If I can be so bold to analyze your life a bit here 🙂

    Either way, this is a very interesting topic. And I’m really happy to hear that your wife is ok, health wise.

    Liked by 5 people

    • It’s fine for you to be bold. I don’t mind at all. I agree with that assessment, that we are a mixture of both nature and nurture. It’s funny the things we think are innate, that are impossible to change about ourselves. I never intended to be tied down, settle down in one place, or to have a family of my own. I certainly wasn’t seeking that. Then when I met her, it was as if I wasn’t myself anymore, and I rebelled against that. But now, after all these years, I can’t imagine living life any other way than I have. My core has been altered, my center knocked off its axis. My 20 year old self would be pissed at me right now! But I don’t care. 😃

      Liked by 5 people

  2. Happy to hear the health news for your wife was good!! Enjoyed reading your take on this,,,I get it!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was so relieved too. I try to ascribe to the notion of not worrying until there’s something to worry about. Easier said than done, for me at least. I felt like I could breathe again when she called me with results of the 3-d mammogram and ultrasound. I’m glad I made some sort of sense in this post. I was having a hard time expressing exactly what I was trying to say. Finally, I quit editing it and hit publish. 😕

      Liked by 4 people

  3. I thinks it’s not a question of being one or two or kids or no kids in a family. Life is about following love. The deep love you can feel for family,friends, pet or whatever you don’t wanna be without. You followed one of those loves and ended up in a place the young you probably even knew existed. I think the young you would approve if he met your family. I’m glad to here you are all alright for this time. Life’s full of unpleasant surprises sometimes. I wonder how people manage the opposite answer, when they say it’s not okay. Great post, thanks for sharing:)

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m glad you did go out and meet her. I’m also glad she’s ok and all is well. Hugs to u!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is a great post! And I am glad to hear about your wife that all is ok! We all need our individuality also if we are happily connected with our family is precious to create your own little island inside were take a break when needed! Also in a way unknown we are the designers of some situation in our life like that day you went out with your friends and shared the barstool with the beautiful woman that stopped your heartbeat and became your wife later, that day you could’ve choose to do something else but for some universal forces you were at the right place at the right moment… ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. So freaking glad your wife is okay!!!!!

    Also, great post. 🙂 Many feels!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for reading. Thank you, it was a guessing game for a week or more and had me a bit frayed mentally. She was scared too, of course, which I hate seeing. The oppressive weight of what-ifs was lifted yesterday.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Such good news. I held my breath while reading but you are a strong person, SOBeach and a great husband and father. I think it is a miracle that you’ve been able to be this close to someone given what you’ve shared about your background. A shell grows around the heart and we can spend a lifetime fending off intruders who might see the pain. She knows you and loves you as you are. That is a gift for an eternity.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Hummm I think from what I have read in all your previous post your a natural healer and nurturer….wanting to live a life of solitude is a state of mind….when you were single you were still a nurturer and healer…you were just single and at that time it seemed the natural state to be in…then you met your soul mate and proceeded in the natural process of wanting to be together, creating a life and children together…all part of the natural process of growing in a relationship. …we all need solitude in our lives, some more than others, but personally, my opinion is one has nothing to do with the other, again that’s just my opinion, feel free to tell me I am full of crap…LOL I lived alone for 13 years….men came and went but no one lived with me…my son lived with me for part of it…but I loved my solitude…never felt lonely or the need to be around people…I can party by myself even better than with a friend…LOL then I met my husband….his friendship and later love trumped my solitude need….however I have the best of both worlds…we don’t always vacation together, I sometimes drive north to my sisters myself and really enjoy the time alone….makes a healthy marriage…..kat

    Liked by 3 people

  9. You definitely come across as a nurturing soul to me. Albeit a hip rocker kind. And that’s a good thing. Very glad all turned out well for your wife. (And you!) Weeks in health limbo waiting for results are the worst.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So glad to here that your wife is ok!! Amazing, isn’t it -she doesn’t have a blog so we don’t know who she is..and yet we all know she is amazing just from what you have said about her. Will there be a celebration of the good news?

    Liked by 1 person

    • We had a nice long hug that screamed, “Whew!”, and toasted it that evening. Ya know, when one or the other is threatened, once that threat goes away, we tend touch more, sit closer, kiss more…etc. The thought of bad things makes for a sobering reality check, and fills up the I-love-my-life tank for a long while after.

      Liked by 2 people

  11. HOORAY! Your wife is o.k.!
    You’re (we’re) immersed in the human experience, for certain! I see you and I sitting in the same boat, just at opposite ends – you, a hubbie and father etching out solitude when you can. Me, singleton, single, and childfree but keeping an eye out for a compatible sweetheart. Past relationships (including one marriage) taught me much about my need for solitude but also about the euphoria/peace of being in love, and spending time with “a person who feels for others” (pullin’ together my comments on your blog, see?). And laughter! I adore my living-alone life but I’m excited to someday find a honey with whom I can laugh. I’d like for us to keep separate homes but what if…? Who knows what’ll happen! (I’ll still advocate for/support singletons, even if I jump ship.)
    One last note: have you read/heard about the book, Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking (Susan Cain)? It’s pretty much our manifesto.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re the second person to mention that book. I’m gonna have to check it out. It’s certainly tough to balance the need for alone time with the need to be with my family and friends. Like most things in life, it’s a trade off. Good luck in your search for the one who makes you laugh and love. It’s wonderful to find, and I’d wish that for everybody. 😃

      Liked by 1 person

  12. […] sonofabeach96 posted My Nurture Trumps My Nature the other day, in which he talks a bit about his solitary nature and how that works with his […]

    Liked by 1 person

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