Turning on a dime

By: sonofabeach96

Apr 01 2016

Category: Uncategorized

67 Comments

Well, I got an interesting call last night.  From one of my best friends.  He was as upset as I’ve ever known him to be.  He had news.  My first thought was something had happened, health related or someone had passed away.  As it turns out, it’s not a someone who’s on the deathbed, it’s a something.  And it’s maybe curtains, for his marriage.

The timing is horrible.  We leave town this very afternoon.  I won’t be able to be here for him.  So, as is often the case, we offered our place as a refuge.  But he doesn’t need to be in the middle of nowhere, alone, with the thoughts that are running through his mind.   He needs to get away, he made that perfectly clear.  But I don’t want him by himself, or for her to seek him out with lame excuses and pleas for forgiveness or attempts to lay blame for her shitty behavior at his feet.  I realize it takes two to tango and that every story had two versions.  But this story can’t be spun in her favor this time.  And, at the present, I have zero fucking interest in hearing her side anyway.  This is a game changer.

So, instead of five in our traveling party, it’s gonna be six.  He’s packing a bag as I type.  I have no idea if I’m offering the best solution for them, but I am for him.  I have his back, and I’ll protect it as best I can from the twisting knife that’s been thrust upon his.

Anyone who’s been here, in his situation, and I’m assuming most can read between the lines on this, tell me I’m doing the right thing.  Tell me I need to offer him refuge, to take him away from this shitstorm, if only for a week.  Will it help him, ease his anger, and get his head clear?  Mine is spinning, and I’m not even involved, so I know his is.  I’m also doing this partly for his own well-being, and the safety of some cocksucker I don’t even know, because I believe some harm could come to my friend or said cocksucker, even though the son of a bitch deserves an old fashioned, taken to the woodshed beat down.  But, in my opinion, she and her evidently-easily-coerced-to-be-opened-legs are not worth going to prison for.

All of this nonsense reminded me of a post I made way back in July.  It was made in relation to my dad, and his nonsense.  It’s titled Is That Grass Really Greener?, if anyone is interested.  Maybe somebody who’s been here can shed some fucking light.  I’m one curious motherfucker with a great deal anger right now.  But my focus has to be on my friend.  Tell me I’m doing the right thing…or if I’m not.  At this stage in our lives, I’m not sure what to tell him.

67 comments on “Turning on a dime”

  1. I think you’re being a good friend, regardless of what happens long-term. Nothing is more important than being there for someone you care about who is in pain. Just my $0.02.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! I’ll do whatever he needs, and he says he needs to get away. But he’s not thinking clearly right now. He may change his mind by this afternoon anyway. Thanks again. 😊

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  2. it may help, i think. i remember benefiting greatly from a change of scenery via visiting Arizona before getting deployed to Iraq. 🙂 wishing him better days.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your friend should not be alone right now. You are a tremendous friend. But you know what? That is what friends (real friends) do for one another. Yes, you’re furious and rightly so. But let your bud talk it out. I’m guessing this is out of the blue? He didn’t see it coming? If so, the shock of it all might not have set in yet. This is the ultimate betrayal. And yet, he might actually feel some guilt about it. (I know that sounds weird, but like wondering why he wasn’t enough for her…) Brace yourself for a range of emotions. It’s going to be a rough ride. I’m sorry for your friend and for all of you having to deal with this. Big virtual hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep, outta the blue. Fucking Facebook messages, then the denial, then the admission. I’m expecting a tidal wave of emotion out of him. Right now, my only emotion is the fire breathing, kick the cocksuckers ass, piss on her ilk. It’s definitely in the cocksuckers best interest for me to get my friend outta town, I know that. He’s opened a can of worms, and my guess is he may regret fucking with his wife. He’d never hurt her, but him? Real possibility.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, you are a good pal. Cheer him up by all means. He needs it. But it is hard to have someone close to you and try not advise him. That part is kinda murky waters. So tread carefully because the decisions he needs to make is his responsibility.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. my 2 cents…nobody likes being cheated on…and everybody loves a road trip…so he gets away and you get a bit of bonding time…there’s no murders or suicides and any decisions that are made may be better after the dust settles and the smoke clears

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I think you are doing what you think is right! I am reading between the lines and being alone is not fun! I

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes! Getting him out of there’s the best thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are a good friend to him. And you can be a better friend by listening to him without fanning the flames. Go ahead and vent to us here so you can be calmer for your friend. Also, in my opinion, his rage at his wife is entirely valid, but his rage at the guy? Not so much. The wife is the one who promised to be monogamous. Being mad at the guy removes some of the wife’s responsibility in the matter, and makes this more about women-as-property. Maybe it’s too early in the process for me to be saying this, and if so, I apologise. But the guy didn’t do anything to your friend; only his wife did. (With the caveat that if your friend and this guy were actually friends beforehand, it’s a whole different story.) Good luck. How do your wife and kids like your friend? Will you be able to shelter the kids from your friend’s (and your) rage? I hope the trip goes well for all of you and that your friend comes back feeling able to take the next steps in this crappy situation.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, my wife and kids love him, and her. They’re Uncle D and Aunt L to my boys. Yes, he should be angrier with his wife, and not focus on the guy. He is. But cmon! It’s not a possession thing. We aren’t cavemen. But he knew the guy. Not friends necessarily, but he’s been invited to their fucking house before. Of course the dude has some explaining to do. He knew she was married. I don’t buy the argument that he gets a pass just because, or that he didn’t “do” this to my friend. Nope. Not in agreement on that. Of course he did something to my friend. He’s been fucking his wife!!! Is she to blame primarily? Of course. But this dude doesn’t get a pass. He fucked with someone he probably shouldn’t have. His wife will suffer consequences, but D would never lay a hand on her. Dickhead? Maybe. That’s why I’m trying to get D away. As for rage, again, we are grown, adult, well-educated, and well-adjusted. Well, as much as any person can be well-adjusted, that is. Shielding any of this from my kids is a given. When it’s just he and I? It’ll be raw and hard and sad and any number of other things, I suppose. My wife will be involved in many, but probably not all, of these conversations. She pretty pissed too. It’s a white hot mess.

      Liked by 3 people

  9. Sorry to hear your friend is going through this, and definitely you are being a great friend and doing what any good friend would do in your position. Keep being there for him.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am going to be the lone voice of dissonance here. There is (supposed) to be only 2 people in his marriage. He needs to confront/deal/talk/scream whatever to his wife. Not run away with you. Your planned trip will be tainted by the undercurrent of one of the worst things anyone can ever go through. If your head is spinning–trust me on this–so is his. His wife needs to see the pain she has caused. She has been living in a fantasy world with this other man. She needs to see first hand, with her own eyes, the pain and destruction she has caused. You can still be there for your friend. You can be on speed dial ever hour. But the two of them need to handle this between themselves. The last thing they need is another person in their marriage right now.

    You are a great friend indeed. I realize you want to provide a safe haven for him in the most hurtful time of his life. But you are providing an opportunity for him to run away–to escape from the problems in his marriage…

    She too wanted to run away from their marriage problems. Trust me, they have marriage problems that superceded her affair. People don’t just decide to break their marriage vows on a whim. This has been brewing for a while and chances are, they both need to face eachother now more than ever. Going on a trip isn’t going to change a thing. But facing his wife and talking through the worst betrayal one can ever endure is the rock bottom Dday moment which marriages can be rebuilt from.

    I know you are just trying to help but I hope you see my honest feedback about why he shouldn’t necessarily run away…. Hugs!!

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you for that. It’s funny you posted this, because on my drive home, I was second-guessing myself. I think maybe you’re right. That’s why I posed the question. I know his head is swirling. I can tell. He’s like a zombie that can’t sit down. At this point, I think my plan is to allow him to come here. Stay the night. Talk. I’m not wanting to be the third wheel, dig at her, feed his anger, or throw out my judgement. Who the hell am I to judge, anyone? I see my role as listener. I suppose you’re right about their marriage. It just seems so bizarre.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes I get it. And from an outsider looking in, I think offering your house up is a better bet than flat out taking him away. I’m assuming he lives not too far from you, so should they need to talk face to face–they could. But at least he gets a bit of breathing space in the short term by hanging out at your house.

        His head will be spinning for a few weeks. Honestly, the first few days feel like you are a zombie–sleep deprived and not really making much sense, even to yourself. The dust must settle. Talks need to occur. But it’s a long road to redemption, taken one day at a time. You can certainly be there as a sounding board, as a friend. Please keep this in mind–I know you are angry at her. I am just like her, although you aren’t angry at me. Everyone has a story. And I think reading my blog has given insight into the “woman behind the affair”. Hopefully one day you can see her (and everyone) are more alike than we care to admit. We are all sinners-no one is perfect. We all play roles in our marriages, some more dysfunctional than others. They need help. This isn’t a sprint but a marathon to reclaiming your marriage, taking responsibility for your actions in your marriage etc. Hope you understand where I am coming from :-). Hang in there…and just listen. He needs that more than anything. He needs to know that his emotions can and will change regarding this. I promise you, the pain subsides and trust can be rebuilt.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you so much. Most of all, for the perspective. Of course, I realize we all have skeletons and nobody is perfect. Least of all, myself. It hit too close to home though, and I reacted. I’ve had some time to think and read. I’m good. I promise. I’m pissed, but I still love her. I hope they work this out. And the sooner they get started, the better.

        Liked by 2 people

    • I gotta say I kinda agree. I mean avoidance may be worse. If this is a short vacations, like a day or two, then back to dealing with reality…. ok Maybe. But, he is going to have to confront it and he will have to confront his feelings as to whether he could move past it (assuming either of them wants that)

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  11. I think what you’re doing is right by removing him from the situation so things don’t escalate right now. I do agree it wouldn’t be good to leave him at your place alone, especially if it’s somewhere his wife might try to see him.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I can understand your anger, especially if they were married for a while. If the relationship wasn’t serious, then I would say you’re overreacting. But in this case, your reaction is VERY justified. Marriage is sacred.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Of course you’re doing the right thing. You’re an incredible friend. I would’ve done the same thing. Let us know how he’s doing and how the trip went. Try to enjoy your time away. Hugs Friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • After talking last night, he’s staying. I’ve given him free reign to our place, plenty of solitude. She’s welcome to come out if he wants her to. The sooner they start workin this out the better, if it’s possible. If not, the sooner the better it’s ended. That’s the conclusion we came to at about 3:00am at least.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Just now catching up. Who gives a shit about Ryan Adams? I had no idea you were dealing with all of this. I’m moving on to your follow-up post now.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I posted on the next one…your a good man!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I just saw this, as well as you’re newest posting — the afterthought. From where I stand, you sound reasonable,restrained, empathetic, and supportive. How lucky he is to have you (and your family) in his life.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. That is true, but not everyone understand S the situation fully, either. What can you do?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh, yuck for him. I hope he comes to the best conclusion for HIM. Obviously, he should probably have both of them get checkups, and she should give him full access to her social media, and he should insist on zero contact with this 3rd party now and forever….Well, that’s advice I usually give but not being one of the two parties here, they will have to work that out.

    Hugs to him. Betrayal at this level is really, really hard to get through.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow. How has it been since? Are they ok? Are you ok?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m ok. They’re doing ok, talking it out. We had a late bday party for the twins last night and he came. She didn’t. I haven’t seen her since. It’s all so weird. He’s home and all but seperate rooms. Says he’s not sure what to do. He’s devastated, angry, sad, depressed. His gut tells him to bolt, but they’ve got 20 years in together. Conflicted at this point. If I had to venture a guess, I’d bet it’s gonna end. Sad.

      Liked by 1 person

      • So very sad. And for nothing. So much hurt and pain caused now to an entire group of people. I wish people would think of all the casualties before they made these kinds of decisions to be unfaithful. I’m truly sorry to hear it and I hope they figure out the right path for them. Best of luck

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’d try to fix it for em, but I can’t. It is sad. I’m still not privy to the reasons why, but I do know it was short. Not a one-time thing, but less than a couple of months. I just don’t get it. It all seems so outta character. And surreal. I’ve been cheated on before, but not by someone I considered a life partner. It sucks, and I hate it for them.

        Liked by 1 person


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